Dear London Boy in Love,

This, I know about.

Thank you so very much for sending me this letter; this is right up my alley.

Of late I’ve been receiving letters from people seeking help with their jobs and their spirituality and their education and other things I simply find, well, too boring for my time. But this, I know. So, thank you.

On to your problem: There are many ways to tell if a girl really likes you. If you Google it you’ll find thousands of websites listing things to watch out for like how she behaves when she’s around you, how comfortable she seems with you, whether or not she introduces you to her friends and family, etc. Ignore all them.

I will tell you the only 100% guaranteed way to know if a woman really likes you.

First, forget about signs. Not all girls are the same so not all of them will display the same so called tell-tale signs. And besides, some girls will play mind games with you all in the name of playing hard to get.

To know if a girl really likes you, you must test her.

Ok, now that we’ve established that, the question is, how does one test a girl to know whether or not she likes him?

Again, you are in luck; things like this are my specialty. Follow my advice and you wont suffer your hands to be fallen.

How to test a girl to find out if she likes you:

(1)   You must secretly follow her about to see if she’s seeing other men. If she is and if she’s doing stuff with them then she probably doesn’t like you enough. It is important that she doesn’t know you’re following her as she may mistake you for a stalker rather than a man who genuinely cares enough about her to want to know if she likes him.

(2)   You must call her up frequently to know where she is and what she’s doing. If she likes you, all her time will be yours, so when you ask her what she’s up to,  the right answer should be ‘I’m home alone thinking of you.’ Any thing apart from this is a red sign.

(3)   Insist she changes her surname to yours on Facebook. Also ask her to use your picture as display picture. If she really likes you she should have even done so before you ask her to. If she refuses, just walk away. She’s a time waster.

(4)   Lastly, and maybe the best way to test if she likes you, ask her to get a tattoo of your name on her left breast; closest to her heart. Why? Because if she likes you then she wants to keep you close to her heart and show it off to the whole world. If she refuses, forget her. 

Now, I don’t know who else you might have asked for advice before coming to me, but I can imagine they’ll tell you that the long kisses and long phone conversations means she’s also into you. Na lie! She might have just been bored at the time.

Also, they might tell you that her final exam is the reason she’s not taking your calls. Rubbish! Don’t let them deceive you into believing that someone likes you when she doesn’t o! If she really, really likes you, she must be ready to fail her exams for you.

Lastly, if after or during testing her in the ways I’ve told you to, she starts to call you names like psycho, or stalker, or she starts avoiding you, just know that she’s not the one for you. But don’t loose hope; your own true love will surely come.

I do hope I’ve been able to help you.

Aunty Ngozi