Dear Monday,

You do not need a wife; you want a wife. There’s a difference. Let me explain.

You see, Monday, I want a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps but I don’t need them; my £55 NEXT court shoes do for most days, even owambe occasions.

President Goodluck wants to continue as president after 2015 but he doesn’t need it, neither do Nigerians for that matter. VIC-O wants to be taken seriously as a musician but what he really needs is to stop bleaching and straightening his hair and posting things on to youtube. His kids will see those videos one day! Imagine the amount of therapy they’ll need.

You see, people often confuse need with want. You want a wife because you want free sex, a good cook, someone to tidy up after you, have your kids and bring them up, etc etc. It’s ok to want such things - if you are that kind of man - but let us take each one in turn:

Free sex – Your wife won’t always want to have sex with you and, depending on how persistent you are, this can be bad for her liver for she will fake a headache on many nights and swallow pain killers she doesn’t need. Not good. What you need is a sex toy that won’t say No, have periods, or fall sick. They have invented a sex doll for this purpose. Google it.

A good cook -  A lot of men assume it is the job of the wife to cook for them even after she’s been out working all day herself. Yes, you might meet a woman who has been conditioned to believe her place is over a cooker but what does it say about you that you want such a wife? I’ll tell you. You want a house girl.

Tidy your house - You see, Monday, when a girl you are dating comes to your house and starts tidying up, she’s not demonstrating ‘wife material,’ no, far from it. She’s only acting out her ingrained house girl mentality. This is the mentality she will give your daughters. Do you want to marry such a girl? Do you want to marry a house girl?

Your children - Only DNA test can prove you are the father of a child. Do you want to perform DNA tests on all the children she has for you? If you trust her, you won’t, but you’ll never know, even if the children look like you. (They may be the offspring of your brother or your cousin, or even your father – it has been known to happen in Nollywood movies.)

I can continue but I guess you already get the message. You don’t need a wife, you want one. I suggest you first determine what you need to make you happy then seek that instead. If you are really honest with yourself you may find that what you need is to make lots and lots of money when you are still young and find a woman who knows how to spend it on house girls, cooks, nannies etc, and hopefully, taking care of those things will free her to give you sex once in a while, till she gets a headache. 

Good luck with all that. 

Aunty Ngozi