Nigeria declares Valentines Day a public holiday
13 Feb 2011
Make love not war, and not community killing
Abuja - In a bid to increase love amongst the populace and to facilitate commerce, the Federal Government of Nigerian has declared Valentine’s Day a public holiday.
High on the list of those who appreciate this good news are; gift shop owners, restaurateurs, hoteliers, condom manufacturers, and hospital administrators – who anticipate a business boom nine months later.
Wazobia Report conducted a survey of the top 5 things that most people would be doing on Nigeria’s Valentine’s Day. Scientists analysed the responses. The result is presented below:
Number 5:
SEND FLOWERS
Analysis:
Flowers will wilt in the traffic before they reach desired destination.
By then, object of desire would have gone to lunch with another.
Outcome:
Dead flowers will end up in dustbin, along with prophylactics used with another.
Number 4:
SEND CHOCOLATES
Analysis:
Chocolates will melt in traffic.
Liquefied chocolate will be poured into cups and drunk like milo.
Outcome:
Intense farting will ruin dinner date.
Number 3:
TAKE DATE TO MR BIGGS
Analysis:
Mr Biggs will make a killing – literally: Staff will be upset over having to work on the awuf national holiday.
Poison will mysteriously make it into clumpy meat-pies.
Outcome:
Not good.
Number 2:
TAKE DATE TO SILVERBIRD
Analysis:
The entire VI area leading up to 3rd mainland bridge will be locked down with unimaginative people going to “watch Valentine’s day” at the cinema.
Outcome:
Date will refuse to be your Valentine next year
Number 1:
SIT AT PC AND STALK OTHERS ON FACEBOOK
Analysis:
Millions will claim on their Facebook status that:
Valentine’s day is rubbish anyway
It is a fake holiday
It is a commercial contrive of Hallmark and Americans, and means nothing
Outcome:
Same people will respond instantly to everyone who sticks a valentine’s day greeting on their wall
Same people will end up crying themselves to sleep
A percentage of them that are male will take matters into their own hands, literally.
- Common Girl, reporting for Wazobiareport.com