Pastor TB Joshua predicted the death of Paul the Octopus
02 Nov 2010
 This man saw the death of Paul in a vision
As mourners gathered to celebrate the life of Paul, the football predicting octopus, the mood was sober yet joyous, for Paul, unlike any other eight armed mollusc, had lived a full life and had achieved equal measures of notoriety and celebrity, heroism and villainy - there was little else an octopus could ask for.
His agent delivered a moving eulogy on behalf of the marine-creature's wife and recently hatched babies who were overcome with grief and floated about weeping in an aquarium nearby.
He spoke of Paul’s career since he was brought to the limelight in 2008, of his marvellous predictions in 2010 and of his contribution to the fortunes of fishermen in Germany where the love for eating Calamari had surged.
'Perhaps you lost touch with Paul after the world cup', he said, ‘but his legend never died – at least, not immediately. In his short but eventful life, he visited Spain, was an ambassador for England trying to host the 2018 world cup (didn’t accurately predict his failure in that), was photographed by journalists the world over, was the subject of an international kidnap plot and even did a tour of continental Europe, spreading slime and joy and continually failing to predict the euro lotto numbers - all the while travelling in a jar of his own excrement.’
In a mournful voice, he continued: ‘Paul, we celebrate your life today but we knew this day would come; The famous Pastor TB Joshua of the synagogue church in Nigeria had correctly predicted your demise as sometime after the world cup and before the next world cup. I am sure it had nothing to do with the fact that Octopuses generally live for 2 years- we expected a great creature as you to live forever, so you see, Paul, we were adequately prepared. We gather this day to wish you well on your journey to octopus heaven through the sewers; to be recycled and be drunk, and returned to the sewers, in a never ending cycle of you staying with us forever.’
‘Yay!’ screamed the front row of enthusiastic sushi chefs, clanging their blades in agreement.
In his will, Paul left his worldly goods and his franchising license to his agent. He only asked that his aquarium be given to the first born son of his wife's (Pauleeta’s) current pregnancy.
Paul, however, did not leave our sporting wins to the fate. His school of dubious predictions have graduated the following students: Leon the porcupine, Petty the pygmy hippopotamus, Jimmy the Peruvian guinea-pig, Anton the Tamarin , Mani the Parakeet of Singapore, Octopus Pauline of Holland, Octopus Xiaoge of Qingdao China, One legged Chimpanzee Pino, Red River Hog Apelsin, and last but not least, Harry the Crocodile from Australia, who before joining Paul's school, looked set to fulfil his destiny as a pair cowboy boots, a ladies clutch-bag and several iPhone and iPad cases.
With this newly unleashed zoo of seer beasts, we will never again have to sit through 90 minutes of excruciating pain, waiting to find out who won the bleeding match.
- Common Girl reporting.
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