Dear friends,
I am the publisher of Wazobia Report and I'm writing to you today to seek your help in rescuing our resident Agony Aunt, Aunty Ngozi, from the clutches of an unknown ‘top-shot’ in Nigeria.
This week, on Wednesday to be precise, Wazobia Report turned one. But what was meant to be a period of celebrations and thanksgiving was blighted by the sudden and unexpected disappearance of our friend and colleague, Ngozi.
At first, when she left several agony letters unread in her inbox, we were of the opinion that she was taking a much deserved short rest from helping people with their problems.
But when she further failed to turn in a special article she was writing for our first year anniversary, I decided to call her to find out if she was ok. We, her colleagues, were worried that she might have taken ill.
Upon trying her number I discovered that her phone was switched off. At this point, one of our staff writers, Mr Jowo Mabinu, opined that she might have ‘followed man to Paris,’Paris being her favourite weekend getaway destination.
This morning however, we received a call from Nigeria from a woman who claimed she had information on Aunty Ngozi.
From what the lady said, and from investigations on our part, a frightful picture began to emerge of what has become of our Ngozi.
So far this is what we know:
(1) Ngozi received a poorly written letter from a lady who was worried that her husband was making plans to take a new wife.
(2) Ngozi decided that the letter was too badly written and not even editing could improve the abysmal grammar, so she did a personal response to the woman instead.
(3) According to the woman, unbeknownst to her, persons working for her husband were monitoring her email.
(4) Also according to the woman, her husband was displeased that she had written to Ngozi exposing highly ‘sensitive’ information, and he was not at all amused by Ngozi’s reply to his wife’s email.
The lady further claimed that her husband has sent people to arrest Ngozi wherever she may be, and she feared that this might explain Ngozi’s disappearance.
The woman did not reveal her identity or that of her husband, but she assured us that he has immense powers at his disposal to command the arrest of Ngozi without an arrest warrant.
We have found the email sent to Ngozi. Below is the original mail and Ngozi’s reply (not published on Ngozi’s column):
Letter to Ngozi: (slightly edited to make it more readable)
My Dear Ngozi,
I am wishing you fine this afternoon. I like the thing you are doing for all the poor widows of Nigerian who write you to help them with their husband.
I am also in problem with my husband because I think she wants to have another wife.
I think she is planning to marry a young girl that he gave job. This thing cannot be allowed to happen. I am the one who open his luck for him, and not for another woman to come and take my place.
I am really surprised now as to what to do and so that is why I say to my self, let me call to that girl they call Aunty Ngozi.
I don’t want this woman to be working with my husband again. I wanted to sack her but they say I don’t have power to sack his workers.
My eye cannot take them working together because his aide has told me what they do.
What can I do? How can I chase this womans legs away? Far far away from my husband.
One thing you must know is that my husband is not a childrens; he is a adulthood, so we have to have good strategy to deal with him.
People will be saying he is not bright, but me that I know him I know he is bright. He even has PHDs. So we must have to be very cleverly in our tactical.
Over to you my sister. Help me with advised on how to do it?
The Dame
Ngozi’s reply:
Dear The Dame,
LOL. Are you kidding me? Are you for real? LOL! Your gbagaun haf finished me, kill me die and wake me up and kill me again! LOLLOLLOL!
Babes, I rolled all over the floor in my office in this obodo oyinbo as I was reading this.
I really appreciate the humour but my silly publisher is going to ask me to edit, edit, edit your letter. But I’m afraid doing so will destroy the joke. But thanks, all the same.
Hey, if I were to do you a response on how to get rid of the potential husband snatcher, I’d have suggested something along the lines of infecting her with syphilis or gonorrhoea and waiting till he catches it.
Then I’d have gone on to say something like, ‘on second thoughts, that one can backfire o!’
Then I’d have suggested that you simply start putting itching powder in his pants to make him think he’s caught something, then you’ll casually tell him a rumour you heard that the girl has been sleeping with so, so, and so, and they said she has infected them withSTD. :-)
Anyways, thanks for the letter and please do send more! I absolutely enjoyed reading it!
Ngozi A.
Columnist, WazobiaReport.com.
Dear friends, from the above, and form the inability to get in touch with our dear colleague, you will appreciate our fear over Ngozi’s safety.
As we do not know who this woman is who wrote to Ngozi; who her husband is who ordered Ngozi’s arrest; or for that matter, the whereabouts of Ngozi at this time, we appeal to anyone with any information to please come forward with it as our Ngo’s life might depend on it.
We need to determine who this woman is so that we can make a report to appropriate authorities.
Thank you.
The Publisher, WazobiaReport.com